Nikki Glaser reveals harsh Ben Affleck, Diddy jokes cut from Golden Globes opening

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Golden Globes host Nikki Glaser has revealed some of the “insane” jokes she cut from her monologue Sunday night.

After emceeing the event, Glaser, who took aim at Tom Brady in his Netflix roast last year, admitted in an interview with Howard Stern on his SiriusXM morning show that some of the material she had workshopped had been dropped because of her fears of being “cancelled.”

“I would be remiss if I didn’t ask you what jokes you left out of your monologue last night,” Stern said. 

“Yeah, I have a lot of examples, but feel free to cut me off whenever,” Glaser, 40, replied. “I put together a little mini setlist for you because, yeah, some of these are just like, they were in the writers’ room. They would get pitched and were like, ‘We can’t say that on TV. We cannot say that to these people’s faces.’ So I’d go, ‘Move it to the Stern file. We can do it on Stern.’” 

One gag was aimed at actress Nicole Kidman, who was nominated for her starring role in Babygirl. “We shot it for a promo, and they almost aired it on CBS, and then we were like, that will get me cancelled,” the standup comic said.

“The Wild Robot is nominated tonight, and by that I mean Nicole Kidman after two white wines,” Glaser quipped, before adding, “I think she would have been cool with it, but you never know.”

Glaser also had a bit directed at Alec Baldwin, who accidentally shot and killed cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the set of his movie Western Rust back in 2021.

“Michael Keaton was so great in Beetlejuice Beetlejuice. And Alec Baldwin sadly did not come back to play a ghost because he was too busy making them,” Glaser wisecracked.

A dig at Ben Affleck’s love life didn’t make the cut either. After the Oscar winner’s divorces from Jennifer Garner and Jennifer Lopez, Glaser was planning a mock toast to the actor-director.

“Here’s to Ben Affleck, I can’t wait to see which Jennifer you try to ruin next … That would have been insane,” Glaser said.

She did make one swipe aimed at Affleck, though.

“Tonight, we celebrate the best of film and hold space for television,” Glaser said during her opening. “Yes, Wicked, Queer, Nightbitch: These are not just words Ben Affleck yells after he orgasms. These are some of the incredible movies nominated tonight.”

After she called Adrien Brody a “two-time Holocaust survivor” for his appearance in The Pianist and The Brutalist, Glaser told Stern she cut a follow-up barb in which she planned to say: “If Adrien Brody could go back in time, he would thank baby Hitler for his career.” 

Glaser admitted she “loved that one so much, but my assistant is Gen Z and she was like, ‘I don’t get it.’”

Hollywood royalty was also on the chopping block, as Glaser was contemplating mocking a trio of acting legends.

“Only Murders in the Building is amazing. I think it’s so cool that legends like Steve Martin, Martin Short and Meryl Streep are still at it. It just goes to show you that you’re never too old to still need money. Why are you still working so hard? What’s going on, did you get caught up in the Hawk Tuah crypto scheme?”

A bit that linked accused CEO killer Luigi Mangione and actor Glen Powell was dropped as well. “Glen Powell is nominated tonight for Hit Man. Who would have thought you’d only be the second-hottest hit man in America?”

Glaser said that remark didn’t get any laughs when she tested it out in front of a live audience and she opted for another one that drew big laughs. “Glen Powell, what a year you’ve had. Oh, my God, Glen, you were in everything. Twisters, Hit Man, my head when I’m having sex with my boyfriend. Thank you so much for the assist. I’ll see you tonight.”

She also had more material aimed at music mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs, who will go on trial this May after being arrested last fall on sex trafficking, racketeering conspiracy and transportation to engage in prostitution charges.

“This is the last time that all of you will be in the same room together before the Diddy trial,” she planned to say, taking a direct shot at some of the A-listers that attended the rapper’s celeb-filled “White Parties.”

When Stern asked why she didn’t use that joke, Glaser said she was worried about upsetting some of the big names at the Globes.

“That one you don’t want to do because you’re accusing the people in the room of being involved in that, and they might turn on you about that,” Glaser replied.

Instead, she name-dropped the scandal in a crack about Zendaya’s Challengers.

“It was so good,” Glaser said of the tennis drama. “I mean, that movie was more sexually charged than Diddy’s credit card.” 

Elsewhere, Glaser mocked Joaquin Phoenix and Lady Gaga’s Joker movie flop by noting their absence in the crowd, but she told Stern she almost went darker. In one other gag left on the cutting room floor, Glaser said: “I saw Joker 2 and, you know, it reminded me of when the first Joker came out and I was in the theatres and I was afraid someone was going to shoot it up. And then during Joker 2, I was really hoping they would.”

mdaniell@postmedia.com