DEAR ABBY: Friend’s long marriage has been a roller coaster

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DEAR ABBY: A man I know has been married for 40 years. His wife gets mad at him for small things and stops talking to him for three to four months at a time. Also, he will make her supper, and she’ll make something else. Or she will make supper and quickly put it in the refrigerator. They leave very brief notes about where they are going. During long rides, no words are spoken. If company or their kids or grandchildren come, she puts plates of food out for everyone but him.

Then, the switch flips and it’s a great normal marriage again — with sex and everything else for three or four months. Then it happens again. This has been going on for most of their marriage. But it used to be shorter periods of time — two or three weeks — which I think is also too long to not speak. They have grown kids who come home and haven’t noticed most of it.  

When this man confronts his wife during these stretches, she refuses to talk about it. I believe she must be bipolar. A nephew of hers has been diagnosed with it and is being treated. Her husband is ready to divorce her even though he still loves her. He’s not sure what to do. Please advise. — LOOKING ON IN MINNESOTA

DEAR LOOKING ON: It is difficult for me to understand why a husband would tolerate the emotional abuse this man has suffered for 40 years. Please tell your friend that my advice is to consult an attorney, describe what has been happening and ask what his alternatives to the status quo may be. Then he should tell his children the truth about his marriage and inform his wife that he will no longer tolerate the way he has been treated. He should also tell his wife that unless she gets professional help for her problem, he’s leaving.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a dog sitter in my 70s who has been taking care of a dog for the last five years. Her owner is a nice young man who is well mannered and polite. We have had a good relationship.

A few months ago, he started seeing a lovely young woman, and I am feeling jealous and sad. I realize I could be his grandmother and there never could be anything between us. Perhaps I feel this way because I’m alone and missing the relationship I had with my husband, who passed away 12 years ago. How can I get over this feeling? — LONELY PET SITTER

DEAR SITTER: I’m glad you wrote. A dose of human companionship would be a start. If you are caring for a dog, you must be walking it regularly and, by virtue of that, meeting people. Step it up a bit. See what other activities are available for seniors in your community and join some of them. Whether you fall in love again or not, you are sure to meet new people and have less time alone. Please think positively and give it a try. 

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.