DEAR ABBY: Husband's gaslighting has reached a new level

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for nearly 20 years and lived with him for three years before marrying him. How do you deal with a narcissistic husband? I am tired of the manipulation — the fights he has caused and then made to look like I was to blame.

The worst part is how he has “punished” me. He often gives me the silent treatment not for a day or two, but for weeks, sometimes months. He comes from an abusive upbringing, and even though I have tried to show him what he’s doing is wrong, I can’t seem to get through to him. I mentioned therapy once, and he responded with a big fat NO.

The last episode was when he sent me a text message claiming I told one of my friends how abusive he is to me and that the police were at our home inquiring about the situation. (My friends know we have fights, but abuse has NEVER been mentioned.) I contacted the police the next day and, of course, there never was a police officer at our home the day before. I am so mad at him that I haven’t spoken to HIM in more than two months. I have no idea what to do. I hope you can help. — SILENT NO MORE IN CANADA

DEAR SILENT NO MORE: Your husband is more than narcissistic — he is also emotionally abusive and sadistic. That you have tolerated his behaviour for 20 years (assuming that it didn’t start until after your marriage) is shocking. The help you need is as close as the office of a licensed marriage and family therapist, not for him but for YOU. Consult one and you will learn how dysfunctional your husband is and, hopefully, find the courage to leave and live the life you deserve.

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A very dear longtime friend I’ll call Lois lives a few hours from us in her vacation home. We used to visit and sometimes spend the night there, but her house smells awful. The smell has worsened over time. We never spend the night there now, and our visits are shorter.

Lois has always owned one or more indoor dogs that she lets outside to go to the bathroom. They also have access to a special room inside where they can do their business, but they also go everywhere. Her ability to clean up after them has diminished. For years, we have avoided telling her why we have shortened our visits. Her husband died recently, and we should be helping, but we feel unwell being there. If you think we should tell her, how should we do it? We don’t want to hurt or embarrass her. — LOST FOR WORDS IN THE SOUTH

DEAR LOST: If Lois ASKS why you no longer visit the way you used to, tell her the truth. Explain that you care about her, but the odour (which she’s likely so used to that she doesn’t notice) makes you and your husband feel unwell. Suggest that allowing her dogs to use her house as a bathroom may not be healthy for her, either, and offer to help her find a cleaning crew to get the place back in order.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.