DEAR ABBY: Husband’s new friendship puts marriage on the rocks

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DEAR ABBY: I am 57 and have been married for 32 years to my husband, who retired from his full-time job last year. I still work full time. Since his retirement, he has been going to a bar once a week or so, spending a few hours visiting with the customers and staff.

One of the staff has taken an interest in being his “buddy.” My husband is outgoing and somewhat flirtatious. The staff member is a younger, female bartender who he invites to our home bar for drinks. They have also established a social media relationship and send text messages.  

When I had an out-of-town trip planned, they concocted a plan for her to come over for cocktails with another of our friends. They planned to keep it a secret because “I might become upset.” I found out and DID become upset and have remained so.

I have discovered other messages, and I no longer trust my husband. I don’t think they are in a physical relationship, but despite his reassurances, I can’t let go of what might have been shared about me and feel a deep sense of betrayal. How can I move forward? — SUSPICIOUS IN WASHINGTON

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: What the bartender and your husband are doing is inappropriate. It might be worthwhile to ask her employer whether there are any rules about their staff socializing with patrons outside the establishment. As to your lack of trust in your “flirtatious” husband, under these circumstances it is understandable. Marriage counselling may help to repair your relationship. Offer him the option of going with you, and if he refuses, go alone.  

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DEAR ABBY: I have been working with a personal trainer for a year who just gave me the bad news that he may be leaving soon for a promotion in Chicago. I’m happy he’s so motivated and hardworking, but I have grown to adore him. I feel like we’re connected.

Lately, when I think about his leaving, it almost makes me cry. He’s so kind, protective, funny and sweet to me. He mentioned in one of our first sessions that he was attracted to me. He tells me I’m beautiful, and it makes me smile. If he moves away, it will leave a hole in my heart. I feel like he’s forgetting everything we have shared.

I text him but don’t want to be a pest. Should I tell him how I feel before it’s too late? Does it seem clingy? How do I know he feels the same way about me without making myself look like a fool? — WORKED UP IN PHOENIX 

DEAR WORKED UP: You wrote that your trainer said he “may” be moving to Chicago. How definite is it? Forgive me if this seems harsh, but if your feelings are reciprocated, your trainer would invite you to move to Chicago with him, or at least find time to see you outside of your paid sessions. If you think it would help to express your feelings for him, say so. It’s a huge compliment, and he should regard it as such. I don’t think you have anything to lose by being honest. 

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.