DEAR ABBY: Son’s interests and appearance have changed

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DEAR ABBY: Our 23-year-old son, “Ed,” was clean-cut, into working out and staying healthy, watched his diet — he even joined a gym and was going every week. Ed has been dating a girl, “Emily,” who is the complete opposite. She’s probably a hundred pounds overweight. She’s also dirty, (when she comes here, there have been days she doesn’t take a shower).  

Twice I have found Emily’s lingerie on the floor. Last week, she left a pair of her panties on the bathroom floor. I showed Ed and told him that was the SECOND time I had found her underwear (the first time I didn’t say anything). I said, “You have to talk to Emily and tell her not to leave her underwear laying around.”  

I see a change in Ed. My son hasn’t cut his hair in 2 1/2 years and he no longer appears to be as into working out. This is not who we are as a family. My husband and I are fit for our ages (60s) and by all standards clean and orderly. Should I say anything to Ed? I feel like Emily is changing who he is. — NOT THE SAME IN THE EAST

DEAR NOT THE SAME: Please stop blaming Emily for the changes you have observed. Your son is making those changes himself. Although his girlfriend appears to be ignorant about basic hygiene, I am not sure you are the parent who should discuss this with Ed. He might be less defensive if “the talk” comes from his father, man to man.  

I am unclear if your son still lives in the home with you or if he and his girlfriend have a place of their own. If it’s the former, you would certainly be within your rights to point out that you have a hamper for soiled clothes and to please use it. If they live separately, consider gifting them one for their place.  

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DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away three years ago. We were married for 56 years. Four months prior to our large, California, Catholic wedding, we eloped and were married secretly in Las Vegas. No one ever found out. Coming from a Hispanic family, my father wouldn’t have been receptive, so we said nothing. In retrospect, it was a stupid thing to do. I was only 19, and he was 22. When he retired from law enforcement, we relocated to Washington, where I still live.  

I have two adult daughters, and I’m wondering if this is something they need to know. I still have our Las Vegas marriage certificate, along with our California marriage certificate — the one we always celebrated as our anniversary date. Would it be wrong to tear up the Las Vegas certificate and take this secret to my grave? — WONDERING IN WASHINGTON 

DEAR WONDERING: I don’t think an elopement between a young couple who are deeply in love is anything to be ashamed of. Nor do I think your love story is at all “stupid.” As long as they hurt no one, folks are entitled to a few “secrets.” If you wish to take this one to your grave, it’s your privilege, and you will get no argument from me. I would, however, point out that because your first marriage licence is a legal document, rather than destroy it, keep it under lock and key until you have left this earthly toil.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.