DEAR ABBY: Woman wants surprise party to be drama-free

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DEAR ABBY: My husband has four grown children — one from his first marriage; three with his late wife. Talk about drama! Who talks to whom? Who can’t stand whom? Who gets annoyed when one of them comes to visit us? They could be BFFs today and tomorrow stab each other in the back.  

Recently, my husband has been saying he’d like to see his four children and all his grandchildren together. Actually, his exact words were, “I guess the only time I’ll see all my kids together in one room is when they come to my funeral.”  

My husband has a milestone birthday approaching. I’ve been thinking about having a surprise birthday party for him at a restaurant and inviting all the kids and grandchildren. I’ve thought about texting or emailing all of them with a note letting them know their dad’s wishes and asking them to be civil to one another for a few hours for their dad. I also want them to know that if they cannot do that, they shouldn’t accept the invitation.  

What are your thoughts, Abby? Or should I drop the party idea and the two of us go out to dinner? — STEPMOM WHO WANTS PEACE

DEAR STEPMOM: I think the idea of your husband’s family gathering to celebrate his milestone birthday is wonderful. Please don’t scrap the idea because his grown children don’t always act like adults. Invite everyone, remind them that this happy occasion should not be considered an opportunity to air any grievances, and then cross your fingers that they will rise to the occasion.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with my now-fiance for eight years. I’m five years older than he is. I know he loves me, but I’m not sure if he’s still IN love with me. Of course he says he is, but sometimes I think he’s just comfortable with me. He doesn’t show the love he used to.  

I have often said I feel like I’m just here to accommodate him with cooking, cleaning and outside chores. We don’t even have good conversations anymore. They’re always all about HIM. When I tell him how I feel, things change for only a short time, and then they go right back. There are good times, but they are few and far between. I need your advice. — DOUBTING IN MICHIGAN

DEAR DOUBTING: After eight years together, the flames of passion have been known to die down and routine takes over. What you two may need is time apart — so you can miss each other a little and appreciate each other more. That little bit of separation may also give you something new to talk about.  

Consider doing some activities you can do together, such as going on a day trip or taking up a new sport. Also, you might feel less taken for granted if those chores you described, such as cooking, cleaning and yard work, were divided or shared. From what you have written, you have been doing all the heavy lifting. 

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.