DEAR ABBY: Woman's miserly husband may bankrupt her affection

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DEAR ABBY: My friend is married to a penny-pincher. He hates spending money. They are retired and have sizable assets. He never buys her anything for her birthday or takes her out to dinner. He doesn’t buy her a card on Valentine’s Day, either.

They each own their own homes and commute back and forth between them. When he comes to her house, she has her refrigerator stocked. When she goes to his, he has no food. She must go to the market and buy food for both of them. Then he gets angry in the market about spending money on food. He hates restaurants because they cost money.

Because he’s so cheap, he goes to the local hospital and buys his dinner from the cafeteria there. They keep their finances separate, but she feels he should do SOMETHING for her for holidays and special occasions. She always does nice things for him, like treat him to sporting events, dinners, etc. If they go out with a group of people, he gets annoyed with splitting the bill. She’s always slipping him money under the table so he can pay his and her share.

At this point, his cheapness is affecting their marriage. Abby, can you suggest anything to change a cheapskate husband? He has the resources; he just doesn’t want to spend any of it. — ASKING FOR A FRIEND

DEAR ASKING: If your friend and her husband spent a reasonable amount of time together before they married, she must have known about his “quirk.” He may have a deep-seated fear of poverty. Because his penurity has become increasingly hard for her to live with, she must speak up. That their homes and financial assets have been kept separate may have been very wise. (You didn’t mention whether they are happy in other aspects of their marriage.)

Counselling might help — if he is willing to admit there is a problem. If she’s soliciting advice from you, suggest she become less generous and eat well before she arrives at his home. If his cupboard is bare, he, not she, should go to the store to fill it or even treat himself to dinner at the hospital cafeteria. Not every spouse needs gifts but, because she does and he chooses to ignore it, she may have to accept they are two very different people. While opposites can attract, in this case, apparently it isn’t true. What a shame.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been a widow for three years. There’s a guy I have known for the last eight years, and I have had a crush on for a couple of years. I’m not sure how to talk to him about my feelings and I don’t want to ruin our friendship. How can I talk to him and not ruin our friendship? — FEELING LOST

DEAR FEELING LOST: Do you socialize with this person? If you do, the next time you go out together, tell him how much you like him and how special he is to you. If he reacts positively, tell him you may have a crush on him. THEN LISTEN. I wouldn’t call that being unduly forward, but if he runs for the hills, you’ll know your crush is not reciprocated. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.