DEAR ABBY: Years of horrific abuse have required a lifetime of recovery

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DEAR ABBY: I see a psychiatrist and psychologist for generalized anxiety disorder, major depression disorder and borderline personality disorder. According to my doctors, my psychiatric disorders are a result of the 44 years of abuse I received from my mother, as well as the abuse she allowed others to inflict on me.  

Her physical abuse stopped when I fought back at 17. When I was 18, it was the last time her precious prince of a son raised his fist to me because I told him I’d press charges and have him arrested. The sexual abuse had stopped when I was 12, and I realized she’d known what had been happening the whole time. It also ended my wanting a relationship with my mother, but her emotional abuse continued until she died in 2013.  

I am being told that, because she’s dead, I should just let it go. My siblings backed her because they wanted to be in Mommy’s good graces. After years of hatred and abuse, I believed the only family I had were my own two children, but even they are cold to me now. They scold me — “Your mother’s dead. Get over it.” How do I explain that when abuse starts before a child can walk, you DON’T just “get over it”? — BLEEDING HEART IN OHIO

DEAR BLEEDING HEART: I am so sorry for the unrelenting trauma you experienced. Your children may mean well, but they are clueless about what the effects of physical, emotional and sexual abuse can be. I’m not sure your children will ever fully understand why you can’t forgive what your mother and siblings did to you without the help of a family therapist, if you can convince your children to accompany you. 

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DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law passed away, and I have never been particularly close to my mother-in-law. I have encouraged my husband to visit his mother and maintain a good relationship with her. She’s healthy and very active and drives herself everywhere. The problem is, every time my husband visits, he brings home a bag (or bags) of miscellaneous items his mom gives him. It can be hats, gloves, socks, flashlights, T-shirts, gadgets, tons of drink bottles, etc. Most of the items have never been used.  

My in-laws were avid auction and sale enthusiasts, and they didn’t just buy one of something; they bought in quantity. When my husband brings this stuff home, I end up taking everything to our local donation centre. How do I get him to stand up to his mother and tell her we don’t need any more stuff? I don’t want to be the one to speak to her because it will create problems. Must I just keep quiet and continue running to the donation centre for the sake of peace? — DUMPED ON IN PENNSYLVANIA 

DEAR DUMPED ON: No. Tell your husband HE must run to the donation centre to dispose of the items his mother sends home with him. Once he tires of doing it, HE will discourage his well-meaning mother. 

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.