Sexual fantasies about exes — shameful or harmless?

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Have you ever thought or dreamed about an ex?

If a former partner surfaces at times — even the less-than-ideal intimate moments — it’s understandable.

There are some who find that line of thinking shameful or worse yet, a type of cheating. But guess what? It’s perfectly normal.

“The shame around ex fantasies is completely unnecessary,” Anita Fletcher, a sex and relationship expert for adult toy brand, Fantasy Co., told the Toronto Sun.

“Our minds don’t operate on a strict timeline when it comes to desire and memory.”

Fletcher noted the psychology behind why exes creep into some of our more intimate moments, whether with a new partner or enjoying some solo time.

“Our brains are wired to hold onto intense experiences, and sexual memories with past partners often fall into this category,” Fletcher explained.

“It doesn’t necessarily mean you want them back, but rather it’s about accessing familiar feelings of desire and pleasure.”

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She likened it to “muscle memory” but for the imagination, with your mind already having a detailed map of what works, what feels good and what creates excitement.

“Your brain is simply reaching for something it knows can generate the physical and emotional response you’re seeking.”

Fletcher stressed that there is a clear distinction between using ex fantasies as a tool versus being emotionally trapped.

“Healthy fantasy is about accessing desire and pleasure,” she said. “Problematic patterns involve obsession, comparison, or inability to be present with current partners.”

Fletcher noted that if it’s a one-off or extremely rare occurrence, you’re simply accessing a memory that works for you in the moment because the brain is reaching for what’s “familiar and effective.”

It may not even be about them and more about how desired or sexually confident you felt at the time.

“Often people aren’t really fantasizing about their ex, but how they felt about themselves during that relationship,” Fletcher revealed.

She also noted that it’s more about “physical memories” and less about “romantic feelings.”

Also, using an ex for fantasy fodder during masturbation is completely normal. But if there is a constant comparison between a current partner (or partners) and a specific ex, then that might be worth exploring, she suggested.

That said, there are some red flags to look out for that could suggest these fantasies might be more about unfinished business — not about the past relationship but about your own emotional growth or self-worth.

“If ex fantasies are your only reliable way to climax, or if they’re interfering with your ability to connect with new partners, it might be time to explore what’s underneath,” Fletcher advised.

You should also look out for whether these fantasies leave you with feelings of sadness or longing, or feeling emotionally unsettled.

“Healthy fantasy should improve your mood, not complicate it.”

She added: “Fantasy should serve your growth, not keep you stuck in the past.”