SEX FILES: Ask yourself this before getting back together with an ex

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A few years ago, I did something I told myself I’d never do again. I got back together with an ex.

There was a time when I was an avid recycler of exes. I’ve always loved sex, but when I was younger, casual sex made me nervous. It just seemed easier and safer to cycle through a handful of guys I’d already dated. I’d repeat the same toxic relationship dynamics until, eventually, I learned my lesson and moved on.

I told myself that this time was different because I was older, wiser and had been to therapy.

This is how I found myself unexpectedly getting back together with an ex. We had a whirlwind romance that included endless late-night phone calls and cross-country flights to visit each other. It was thrilling, exciting, and romantic. It was only once we started spending time together on a day-to-day basis that I realized that we didn’t mesh as smoothly as I had hoped, despite being older and more mature. The behaviours that made me upset the first time we dated were still there and I was trying to reshape the relationship into something it was not.

This isn’t to say you can’t successfully get back together with an ex. Like a fine wine or fancy piece of cheese, some relationships just need more time to develop and sometimes that means taking time apart. You just need to approach the situation with caution.

So, before you get back together with an ex, here are some questions you need to ask yourself.

What’s changed?

Think back to when you first dated this person and what your core issues were. Have any of these issues been resolved? For example, if you struggled as a long-distance couple, are either of you willing to move to be closer together? Have you both been to therapy or undergone periods of personal growth that have helped heal the issues that contributed to the breakup? Are you willing to go to therapy together if the same issues arise? And are you both able to articulate and take accountability for what is wrong in the relationship? Ask each other these questions before you get back together.

Do you want the same things?

Wanting to spend time with you, texting you, and staying up all night on the phone with you doesn’t necessarily mean that someone wants to have a serious relationship with you. I wish I’d known this earlier. While my ex was doing everything that a boyfriend does, when it came to defining our relationship, he was wishy-washy. It was only once I heard him introduce as his “friend” in front of his friends that I realized he and I probably weren’t on the same page. While it stung in the moment, I’m grateful that it happened. It made me realize that I wanted something much more serious and concrete — in other words, a relationship he wasn’t able to give me.

Are you building a house on a broken foundation?

Recently I heard a powerful phrase: how you get together is how you’ll break up. After reconnecting with my ex and flying across the country to see him, I learned that when we first dated I hadn’t been the only woman in his life. He’d had a partner and was actually cheating on her with me. I had no idea. When he revealed this to me, I was hurt and disappointed. I never wanted to be the other woman and yet he’d put me in that position without my consent.

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While I don’t believe the ethos “once a cheater, always a cheater,” our initial relationship that I’d romanticized was actually built upon a lie and a pretty big one at that. After learning this, I struggled to trust him. When a relationship isn’t built on a foundation of trust and honesty, it crumbles.

Do you just want to be chosen?

Looking back at my dating history, there were many instances where I prioritized feeling chosen over the personality and character of the person I was dating. When I got back together with exes, I was seeking external validation to prove I was valued and worthy. I wanted to rewrite history and prove that they were wrong for passing me over. I was so focused on this that I overlooked red flags.

If this rings true, it’s not entirely your fault. Women, especially, are socialized to think we’re more valuable with a partner. I would, however, encourage you to ask yourself whether you’re choosing your ex — and everything they are about, red flags and all — or just seeking vindication by having them choose you. It felt amazing to be chosen by my ex, but the longer I was with him, the more I questioned my internal self-worth.

This is all to say that you are more than enough on your own, and no relationship — however romantic — is worth sacrificing your peace of mind.

Although it hurt to end the relationship with my ex for good, choosing myself allowed me to finally move on.