SEX FILES: Bill me, maybe: Unpacking the real reasons behind our dating and money anxieties

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Brazilian influencer Sabrina Low does not go Dutch with her dates.  

The popular content creator recently shared that she was treated to a date night with a man only to wake up the next day to a text message from him suggesting that they split the cost of their encounter. Her date had itemized the various costs and put in brackets what he felt was her fair share to pay. “Dinner, $147 (approximately $25). Dessert, $74.49 (approximately $12). Drinks, $60.42 (approximately $10), and other expenses $56,” it read.  

Low shared in a press release that she was surprised to receive his message. “For me, dates are about creating connections and enjoying the moment, not about calculating every penny at the end of the night,” she says. 

Low responded with her own list of expenses for the date, which read: “Hair, $300 (approximately $52). Nails, $400 (approximately $69). Waxing, $200 (approximately $34). Makeup, $500 (approximately $87) New clothes, $600 (approximately $104). Transportation, $160 (approximately $27). In other words, you owe me,”  she concluded. 

It’s a classic tale of girl meets boy, boy sends a financial ledger and the girl replies with a list of expenses that inadvertently highlight the unfair beauty standards put upon women.   

While I’m sure there’s more to this story (Did the pair discuss financial expectations ahead of time?) my gut tells me that they are both in the wrong – you shouldn’t expect your date to pay for everything nor should you invoice them the morning after – the exchange brings up some interesting points regarding dating etiquette, finances, and gender norms – and why the interplay of these factors is so triggering.  

“Money tends to be a pretty socially loaded topic anyway, and adding the pressures of dating on top of that can certainly make it difficult to navigate!” says Shenella Karunaratne, Licensed Professional Counselor,Online MFT Programs. 

Whether we care to acknowledge it or not, money is never just about money. Instead, it’s deeply emotional. “Money in dating is like a mirror reflecting our deepest insecurities and values. It’s not just about dollars and cents; it’s about worth, power, and expectations. The ability to provide is often tied to a sense of value and attractiveness,” says Steffo Shambo, a Relationship Expert atTantric Academy.  

When money enters the dating equation, it suddenly becomes a tangible measure of these abstract concepts. “It provokes strong reactions because it’s touching on core aspects of identity and self-worth that many people aren’t even consciously aware of,” says Shambo.  

Additionally, when a couple is still getting to know each other and building trust, money can act as a proxy for other concerns and issues. “Even in simple situations like paying for a meal or planning a trip, how money is handled can signal how much a person values the relationship and their approach to sharing resources,” says Tina Fey, a relationship expert at Hack Spirit.  

Cultural background and beliefs around gender norms also unconsciously affect our attitudes toward money and dating. “For instance, in cultures with traditional views on gender roles, men may feel an implicit pressure to take on the financial burden, while women might struggle with whether to challenge or conform to these expectations,” says Fey.  

If you want to avoid awkwardness around money while dating, open communication is key. “Before you even meet up for the first time, state that you’d prefer to go “dutch” on a first date, or say that you’ll be picking up the bill,” says Karunaratne. While talking about finances may feel awkward at first – especially when you don’t know each other very well, Karunaratne says, “Having these expectations established ahead of time can really help make first dates more comfortable for everyone.”  

Shambo agrees that having light, casual conversations about financial preferences early on can help. “Alternating who pays can set a tone of equality without making it a big deal,” he shares. If your goal truly is to “create connections and enjoy the moment” (as Low claims), he suggests prioritizing experiences that don’t revolve around spending a lot of money – this can be a litmus test for your compatibility.  

Lastly, work on your feelings around money. While we can’t control the financial beliefs of the people we date, we can do the inner work to get to a place where we feel confident and secure in our relationship with money. As Shambo reminds us, “When someone is comfortable with their own financial situation and values, they’re less likely to project insecurities onto their dating life.”