SEX FILES: Does it really take 4 years to get over an ex?

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I ended my last relationship in 2023, and to be honest, I’m still not entirely over the breakup. While I no longer have the desire to date or speak to my ex, I still feel haunted by our split. The relationship left emotional scar tissue that I haven’t been able to shake, and I find myself being incredibly cautious about dating anyone new. The worst part is that I feel guilty for feeling this way. It’s been two years. Shouldn’t I be over it by now? 

Perhaps not. A new study found that, on average, it takes about four years for an emotional connection to fade completely. However, for some people, the bond can linger much longer, and in some cases, never completely go away. 

The researchers found several factors that impact the timeline of breakups, including the level of contact people have with their ex. “If one has reason to stay in contact, for instance, they’re still raising a family together, running a business together, or even sharing a dog. The length of their full detachment will take much longer,” says Dr. Wendy Walsh, psychology professor at California State University Channel Islands and ambassador for DatingAdvice.com. 

Attachment styles – the way people relate to others in intimate relationships – also play a significant role in how quickly one recovers from a breakup. Walsh says that people with an anxious attachment style, which includes a fear of abandonment, may have trouble moving on. “They may find themselves slipping back-and-forth in bids to bring their ex closer, maybe offering late-night, drunken texts or at times even sex with their ex,” she says. 

People who are anxiously attached calm themselves by maintaining attachments – whether that’s exes or potential incoming mates. “So these people may maintain proximity-seeking behaviours in an attempt to keep their ex in their orbit,” says Walsh. This extends the healing process. 

However, Kate Logan, an associate marriage and family therapist of Gender Wellness Los Angeles, warns that just because someone seemingly moves on quickly doesn’t necessarily mean they’re handling a breakup better than someone who is emotionally stuck. “Moving on quickly could indicate that someone is suppressing their emotions or that they emotionally checked out of the relationship long before the actual breakup, both of which are tendencies of avoidant attachment styles,” she says. 

How a relationship ends can also play a part in the healing process. “Abrupt endings can shock the system, and extended breakups can stretch out suffering,” says Logan. 

She adds that, “Lack of closure, as Rachel from Friends famously noted, can also have an impact on how one processes the end of relationships.” 

With that said, the idea that getting “closure” will help us move on is a myth. In my case, the relationship ended abruptly with a ghosting, so I was left to create my closure. Not that talking to him would have helped. “There’s nothing an ex can say that’s going to make the person feel better. If anything, it’ll make the person feel worse because they’ll tell them all the things that they did wrong,” says Walsh. 

Instead, Walsh recommends seeing a licensed therapist. “When we are hurting the most, we are usually growing the most,” she says. Breakups are fertile ground for learning more about oneself. Secondly, she says, block, delete, and unfollow your ex. “There is some research to support the idea that going no contact really speeds up healing,” says Walsh. 

Working with a licensed mental health professional can also help reframe heartbreak. Dr. Jay Serle, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical psychologist at The Ohana Luxury Rehab, says this starts by telling yourself a different story. For example, he says, instead of saying, “I ruined the best relationship I had,” you can try “I did the best I could in that relationship.” 

Lastly, lean on your support network, practise self-compassion, and create space to grieve. There’s no timeline for grief. “Some people heal on their deathbed,” says Walsh. Whereas others bounce back quickly. She says, “No one is keeping score here.”