SEX FILES: Gaming almost ruined her marriage

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Gaming almost ended my friend’s marriage. When Emily’s husband began spending his evenings locked in the den, immersed in the world of video games, she started to feel like a single parent.

She’d pack lunches and put their two young kids to bed, going to sleep alone while he continued to play into the night. When he wasn’t gaming, he was cranky and exhausted. Any conversations about his gaming habits would end in heated outbursts.

He’d always been a gamer, but something shifted once they had kids. Gaming became an escape from an increasingly stressful job and the pressures of parenthood. Their sex life became non-existent. “It felt like we’d become roommates. Just two ships passing in the night,” she told me.

It wasn’t until she gave him an ultimatum — make a change or lose your family — that he sought help for his gaming. Once in counselling, Emily realized that her husband wasn’t intentionally ignoring his family; he was addicted – and he wasn’t alone. It’s estimated that 400,000 Canadians are addicted to gaming.

“Gaming addiction is primarily about two things: dopamine and escapism,” explains Renee Zavislak, a licensed psychotherapist, trauma specialist, nutritionist, and host at Psycho Therapist: The Podcast. She says, “Gamers get consistent hits of dopamine while playing; dopamine not only feels good but also affects motivation, as the brain’s reward system will automatically seek more of whatever substance or activity provides the dopamine hit – playing games, in this case.”

For many, the appeal of gaming is the community and world-building aspect of the games. “The immersive nature of addictive games allows the player to escape other life stressors while simultaneously exacerbating these stressors because the gamer is less likely to attend to responsibilities,” Zavislak explains. She adds, “As a result, the urge to escape only gains power as the addiction develops.”

Gaming isn’t inherently bad. Interactive games can be a source of community and connection. Studies have also shown that gaming can improve problem-solving skills and hand-eye coordination. Leah Levi, a psychologist and relationships expert at Flure, says gaming only becomes problematic when it starts affecting your everyday life and relationships.

Levi says, “One clear sign is when partners stop going to bed simultaneously — one person stays up gaming late into the night while the other goes to sleep alone. Over time, this creates separate routines, like waking up at different hours, not eating meals together, and barely talking because your schedules are completely out of sync.”

According to Levi, another sign to look out for is when gaming consumes every moment. “Even when they’re not playing, they’re watching streams, during meals, when you’re trying to spend time together, or constantly checking their phone for gaming updates.”

Mood swings and aggression — similar to what my friend experienced with her husband — are also essential signals. “If they’re chatting nonstop with their online friends but barely say a word when you’re together, that’s a clear disconnect,” says Levi.

If your partner’s gaming has become a problem, Levi encourages people to bring it up sooner rather than later. “Holding it in until you explode just leads to an argument. The key is to bring it up calmly and directly instead of making sarcastic comments or little jabs every time they pick up the controller, which will only make them defensive.”

Instead, Levi suggests using “I” statements when addressing your partner’s gaming. For example, “Instead of saying, ‘You’re always gaming and ignoring me,’ try, ‘I miss spending time together, and I feel like we’re not as close lately,” says Levi. The goal isn’t to attack but to create space for an open conversation.

Setting boundaries around gaming time can also be an effective strategy. Zavislak suggests that couples agree on days and times when the gaming partner can play without pushback from the other partner. She says, “These should always be noted on a shared calendar: making the times concrete prevents arguments.” If the gamer is using shared financial resources for gaming, it’s also crucial that you agree on a set amount and work it into your existing budget.

Lastly, if direct communication and boundary setting haven’t worked — or the gaming partner is struggling to quit on their own — Zavislak suggests couples seek counselling. “Many couples’ therapists are also experienced in working with addiction, and it’s important to confirm that is the case. Most clinicians will list their areas of expertise in online directories and/or their websites; if not, it’s an easy and legitimate question to ask before making an appointment,” she says.

While Emily’s marriage isn’t perfect, counselling helped her and her husband better understand each other and, ultimately, find a sense of balance in their relationship. While gaming can be a fun escape, “It shouldn’t come at the cost of your relationship,” says Levi.