SEX FILES: Here's why it's OK to go to bed angry

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Let me know if this sounds familiar. You come home after a long day at work and notice that your partner has left the milk on the counter again, even after you remind them not to.

Next, you open the door of your shared office and see that the pile of dirty laundry that they said they’d move off the floor is still there. Yes, technically, it’s on their side of the room, but it’s been days, and it’s starting to resemble the sentient trash heap from Fraggle Rock. Your mind races. (Clearly, this is a personal attack! They do not respect you or the floor! They’re a freak that loves room-temperature milk!)

Before you know it, it’s late at night, and you can’t remember what you’ve been arguing about — you’re just getting nowhere.

There’s an old saying that you should never go to bed angry. But what if that was a lie?

In her recent TED Talk, Why Never Go to Bed Angry Is Bad Advice, relationship coach Dawn Smith explains why this advice is outdated and futile. Instead, she says that a relationship with the right timing has a better chance of deeper connection, more communication, and true partnership.

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As Smith explained on a recent call, our capacity for critical thinking diminishes as the day progresses, affecting moral and ethical decision-making. “We have about two hours of peak critical thinking time, starting roughly an hour after we wake up,” says Smith.

When we follow the “don’t go to bed angry” rule, we tackle significant relationship discussions when we’re at our worst. It’s not that she’s encouraging people to go to bed angry, but rather pointing out how futile it is that “we’re supposed to resolve things when we have no critical thinking capacity left, we’re more anxious, we’re more tired — it’s terrible timing.”

Smith, who has worked with and helped more than 1,000 couples — many of whom haven’t had success with traditional couples counselling — says that these outdated relationship rules also fail to account for the fact that women’s and men’s brains are wired differently.

Smith uses the analogy of waffle and spaghetti brains. Male brains utilize seven times more grey matter, which means their brains are like waffles, with separate compartments for different tasks. Whereas female brains utilize ten times more white matter, brains are like spaghetti, where the noodles slide across each other, making it easy to move from one thought to another. “Spaghettis form multiple neural connections, so one thought triggers a web of related ideas, while waffles compartmentalize and process things one at a time,” explains Smith.

As a spaghetti-brain person, this theory explains why when I argued with my ex-partner, I made connections between one behaviour (the milk on the counter) and other events, relationships and outcomes (“They don’t listen to me, which means they don’t value me. This happened in my last relationship. Maybe we should just break up!”) while my ex was flabbergasted. He loved me and had forgotten about the milk. We both felt misunderstood and unheard. Smith shares that “99% of the time, people aren’t intentionally trying to hurt each other. These things aren’t personal — it’s just how our brains are wired.”

The good news is that simple solutions are available. Smith encourages couples to use time-outs to their advantage. She suggests couples come up with a phrase they can use when they find themselves slipping into old patterns and that they determine ahead of time how long this break will last (she suggests at least 30-60 minutes). Then, when you are ready to talk about the issue, ensure you’re doing it when your brain is at its best — not late at night.

Practice active listening. One partner explains concisely to another what’s upsetting them. “Partner two will repeat word for word as best as they can. No paraphrasing,” says Smith. Once they reach an understanding, they switch positions and repeat the exercise.

Smith also encourages couples to abandon the outdated idea that relationships require compromise. “Compromise implies that you’re both giving up what you really want. Instead, ask: Is there a third way? A fourth way? A new solution that actually works for both of us?”

Lastly, it’s OK to ask for help. As Smith reminds us, the couples she works with love each other and want to find solutions. If you struggle to master teamwork in your relationship, a coach like Smith can get you to the end zone.