SEX FILES: How to declutter your relationships this spring

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Spring isn’t just an opportunity to deep-clean our kitchens and let go of that pair of tattered sweatpants that have been lingering in our closets since the pandemic; the new season also provides a chance to spring-clean our relationships.

Just as we purge our physical spaces to make space for new things, now’s the perfect time to let go of emotional clutter, reassess relationships, and clarify how we want to feel in our personal lives in the future.

What exactly is emotional clutter? Dr. Patricia Dixon, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships, trauma, and self-improvement, says it can include unresolved resentment, self-doubt, limiting beliefs, or even lingering feelings for an ex — all of which can unknowingly harm our mental health and future relationships. Dixon says, “Emotional clutter can be sneaky! Many people believe they’ve moved on, but if you find yourself constantly comparing a new partner to an ex, you might still be holding onto that baggage.”

Another sign that you may have emotional clutter that you need to let go of is if you find yourself letting past fears and anxieties dictate your current choices. Dixon says, “If you’re unable to fully open your heart to someone new because you’re still hung up on a previous relationship, that’s emotional clutter at play.” She adds, “If feelings like disappointment, fear, guilt, or jealousy dominate your current relationship, it’s time to take a closer look. Recognizing these patterns is the first step in clearing that emotional clutter and making space for healthier connections.”

However, sometimes, the emotional clutter you need to let go of is a relationship that has passed its best-before date. This, too, can be tricky, says Dixon. “I firmly believe in exploring every avenue before letting go. However, there comes a point when clinging to a relationship can leave you feeling drained,” shares Dixon. She adds, “When clients ask how to know if a relationship is over, I often say, ‘You’ll just know.”

When reassessing a relationship, ask yourself how you feel when interacting with this person. “If you find yourself resenting someone you once loved, that’s a red flag. Love shouldn’t feel like a burden you’re unwilling to take on!” says Dixon. She encourages people to ask themselves whether they have the desire to work on things. “If the enthusiasm is gone, chances are you’ve already checked out, making any effort futile,” she says.

With that said, letting go is often easier said than done. If you’ve ever winced while decluttering expired food that never got used, letting go of relationships also brings up complicated feelings, says Dixon. “It’s common to feel a wave of guilt when parting ways, especially if you believe you’ve wasted someone’s time or if they weren’t ready to let go,” says Dixon. These feelings often linger, particularly when the reasons for ending the relationship are complex — like developing feelings for someone else or simply drifting apart.”

To tackle this guilt, she suggests people take a step back and cultivate a balanced perspective on the relationship. “Acknowledge the good times while also recognizing the reasons it’s best to part ways. Remember, if your feelings have changed, it’s kinder to release the other person than to cling to guilt. Sometimes, the most loving act is letting someone go,” says Dixon. After all, both you and your partner deserve to be happy, even if that means you go your separate ways.

Whether decluttering your home or giving your personal life a makeover, it’s essential to have a game plan for the future. As Dixon notes, “Breaking free from a toxic relationship or habit is a powerful step, but rebuilding your self-worth is just as crucial.” She suggests, “Start by taking stock of who you were before the relationship, who you became during it, and who you aspire to be moving forward.” You can do this independently through journaling, mindfulness exercises, or working with a mental health professional. “Reflecting on these three stages can reveal valuable lessons and insights,” says Dixon.

Lastly, get comfortable setting boundaries without guilt. As Dixon shares, “Relationships are like glass — sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself trying to put them back together.” Identify what relationship patterns drain you and communicate your needs to the people in your life. “Frame your requests in a way that prioritizes self-respect, such as, ‘I need more support in this situation,’ rather than focusing on blame,” suggests Dixon.

You must make different choices if you want your love life to feel different. Identify what didn’t work in the past, create boundaries, and uphold them. “Once you’ve recognized unhealthy patterns, you can begin to develop new ways of engaging with yourself and others.”