SEX FILES: Is infidelity always a dealbreaker?

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Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past two weeks, you’re probably familiar with the Coldplay cheating scandal. It’s a tale as old as time: A high-powered CEO attends a Coldplay concert, gets caught canoodling with someone who isn’t his wife, and the internet has a field day.

This time, all eyes have turned to former Astronomer CEO Andy Byron for cozying up to his HR chief, Kristin Cabot. Since the clip has gone viral, Byron has resigned from his position, and his wife, Megan Kerrigan, has reportedly left the family home. While neither Byron nor Cabot has responded to affair allegations, it’s sparked conversation about infidelity and whether it’s a relationship dealbreaker.

Infidelity is often portrayed as the worst-case scenario — a sure endpoint for couples. However, a recent YouGov survey commissioned by Ashley Madison reveals a more nuanced story. The survey found that while only 16% of adults admit to being unfaithful, nearly half (47%) say they could forgive a partner for straying from the relationship, which could reveal a cultural shift in how we think about betrayal and recovery.

The truth is, infidelity isn’t always black and white. “Sometimes people who love each other choose to cheat,” says Shemiah Derrick, a licensed couples therapist and relationship educator. While infidelity isn’t great, she says for many couples the prospect of not being together feels even worse than going through the challenge of recovering the relationship.

Ashley Madison’s resident sex and relationship expert, Dr. Tammy Nelson, echoes a similar sentiment. While staying with a cheater may seem unfathomable for some, Nelson says, for many couples, “There can still be love, a shared history, children, or simply a desire to grow from the rupture.” Infidelity can even catalyze change. Nelson says, “These motivations can fuel the healing process when both partners are committed to rebuilding, not just returning to what was, but creating something new.”

This process begins by uncovering why infidelity happened in the first place. “Infidelity is often the result of unexpressed needs or changes in needs,” says Derrick. When partners work through these issues together, it creates the space for deeper connection. “This openness can be a game changer to making the relationship stronger and preventing infidelity from occurring again,” notes Derrick.

Couples may find that infidelity cracks open long-avoided conversations. Nelson says, “I’ve seen couples start talking honestly for the first time ever about their sexual needs, their loneliness, or even how they want to redefine their commitment. Some couples renegotiate their agreements around monogamy, others confront unresolved grief or trauma.” While these conversations are not always easy, they can be transformative.

That said, this kind of transformation doesn’t happen overnight. For those hoping to heal and grow from infidelity, Derrick encourages them to go slow and take their time. “Don’t rush yourself through it or expect your partner to ‘hurry up’ and make amends,” she says.

To rebuild trust, she also says that both parties need to be brutally honest about their needs. Recovering from infidelity is not the time to be coy or default to saying what you think the other person wants to hear. “The betrayal has already created a wound — offer all the transparency and vulnerability you can so the healing process can be based on what your real needs are,” she says.

If you’re struggling to get this process started, working with a professional can help. Derrick says she helps couples tap into the reasons they got together in the first place and use them as a tool for repair.

However, accountability is key. “If the affair partner cannot take accountability for their actions or own the fact that their actions caused a negative impact, true healing or repair will be limited if it happens at all,” says Derrick. In this case, ending the relationship may be the only option for preventing future heartbreak or viral kiss moments.