SEX FILES: Out of sync in the bedroom? You might be experiencing desire discrepancy

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Perhaps your partner is not as interested in sex as you are, and you feel frustrated and resentful – or possibly your partner wants sex all the time, and you’re just going through the motions to appease them.

You want things to feel different, to have a reciprocal intimate connection with your partner, but you don’t know where to start or how to ask for what you want.

Whatever your sexual circumstances, there’s a word for what you’re experiencing — desire discrepancy — and you’re not alone.

“It’s probably the No. 1 issue couples face,” says Susan Morgan Taylor, MA, a somatic sex therapist who has helped hundreds of couples deepen their intimate connection and create mutually satisfying sex and intimacy for the long term. But she says, “I had so many couples coming to me that had tried so many things, had done couples therapy, and they just weren’t getting the results they needed.”

When it comes to addressing things that take place in the body – sex, orgasm, performance anxiety – traditional talk therapy has its limitations, explains Taylor. Instead, she helps them understand their body and desires by tuning into physical sensations and emotions.

Unfortunately, many couples Taylor works with have experienced emotional trainwrecks in the bedroom. When working with them, she says, “At the very initial outset, we learn just how to rebuild trust and intimate connection.”

She helps couples get on the same page through exercises encouraging eye contact, synchronized breathing, and tapping into what’s happening in the body.

However, Taylor explains that before we can reconnect with our partner, we must reconnect with our body. Often, we don’t know what to ask for because we don’t know what feels good. Self-pleasure can help with this. “When I know my yes, my no, and my maybe, I can have a real conversation and negotiate an experience we both want,” says Taylor

Taylor will also introduce non-sexual scenarios where each partner has an opportunity to express desire (for example, “I want you to feed me those grapes” or “I want you to rub my feet”). Through these small acts, people learn to ask for what they want. She says the goal is to get out of “tolerating” mode and doing things out of obligation and, instead, find ways to have mutually enjoyable experiences together — something that’s often easier said than done.

“ I see a lot of women scared to say what they want out of being selfish and feeling obligated to give something because the partner wants it. We want to undo all of that cause that does not lead to pleasure. It detracts from intimate connection,” says Taylor.

That’s why it’s essential to work through shame and fear of judgment that may stem from childhood and previous traumas. Taylor says, “The fear of being shamed for having desire, or believing it’s wrong to want something, are common obstacles we encounter.”

Taylor also encourages couples to steer clear of quick fixes. While fun lingerie, new sex positions, toys, or even opening your relationship can add extra spice to your relationship, it’s not going to solve the core issues that are creating the disconnection in the first place. In the case of the latter, it will likely make them worse.

Instead, Taylor encourages people to look inward and seek support from a professional if needed – she currently hosts retreats that help couples work through these stumbling blocks.

Lastly, know when to walk away. While the majority of the couples Taylor works with are committed to doing the work so that they can stay together and have a more fulfilling sex life, this isn’t always the case.

Ultimately, bridging mismatched libido is a two-way street. Suppose you’re showing up, taking responsibility for your pleasure, communicating your needs to your partner, and they’re simply not showing up in that way themselves. In that case, Taylor says it might be time to ask yourself whether this is a relationship you want to be in. If you truly want an authentic, intimate connection with your partner and they aren’t willing to co-create that with you, perhaps the answer is “no.”

The same applies if you’ve tried everything and nothing is working. “If a couple has done the work, gone to therapy, and tried for a while, but the same thing keeps happening, it might be better to part ways,” says Taylor.