SEX FILES: Relationship grief finds support in the Lonely Hearts Club

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When Anna’s boyfriend of five years was arrested and sentenced to 15 years in prison for soliciting a minor for sex, she ended the relationship. It was an unimaginable heartbreak.

She tried to handle the situation with grace and humour, but anxiety and depression crippled her. She was determined to heal and move forward, but for that to happen, she knew she had to learn how to trust people again – and therapy wasn’t helping. She thought talking to other people going through something similar might be helpful.

Anna signed up for Lonely Hearts Club, a support group designed to help people recover from breakups, whether their relationship ended two weeks or two years ago. It was exactly the fix she needed.

For eight weeks, every Tuesday night, she logged on to a Zoom session to meet others who were grappling with the end of relationships. The group provided a safe space for her to speak freely about her breakup and learn from others. It was the first time she didn’t feel judged for the awful thing that happened to her, which resulted from someone else’s poor decisions. “My story may be unique, but heartbreak is such a universal feeling,” says Anna.

While that statement is true, many suffer in silence after a relationship ends. It’s part of the reason that Lexi Joondeph-Breidbart, LCSW, a therapist and licensed clinical social worker, decided to found Lonely Hearts Club. “There isn’t a therapeutic category for breakups. You can [find therapists] for anxiety, relationship issues, depression, divorce — but not breakups,” says Joondeph-Breidbart. As a result, many people feel isolated by their grief.

There is a pervasive societal misconception that breakups are merely minor inconveniences. Joondeph-Breidbart says this dismisses the profound emotional impact they can have. “Grief is always seen as ‘someone has to die,” she says. While breakups are different than losing a loved one, they’re grief nonetheless. She adds, “And breakups have rejection. And for people, that can feel a lot worse.”

The mission of Lonely Hearts Club is to help people feel less isolated in their grief — because we shouldn’t be processing it alone — and get them unstuck from thought cycles, such as feelings of unworthiness or obsessing over their ex.

The Lonely Hearts Club community turns the focus back on the individual and provides them with the tools to move forward. Anna says, “With Lexi at the helm, we would all make goals for ourselves at the end of each session and then talk about it during the next meeting.”

Some of Anna’s goals included removing photos of her ex from my electronic devices, deleting old text messages, and removing a box of relationship mementos from her closet. She says she started to feel better. “The support I received from Lexi and the other group members ignited a light in me that had been dimmed for so long.”

While Lonely Hearts Club is dedicated to helping its members heal and take steps forward, it also recognizes that grief doesn’t have a set expiration date. Individuals often come to the group years after their breakup or because they don’t want to burden their friends or family with big emotions. The latter was the case for Annabel, a former member who says in the aftermath of her breakup, “The group was a place where it was safe to grieve, to get pissed off, to go through all of the different waves and stages of emotion you go through after a breakup.”

When asked what shifts they have noticed since joining Lonely Hearts Club, the members I spoke to said it created a positive ripple throughout their lives. Anna says, “I became more confident and open. I set boundaries, protected my peace, embraced the kindness of those around me, strengthened my friendships, and welcomed new ones.”

Members mostly shared that Lonely Hearts Club provided a community for them to be seen and understood while learning from each other. This is why many of the members I spoke to continue to stay in touch.

Katie, a Lonely Hearts Club member, says that after completing the initial eight-week session, she rejoined the group after another breakup. She says the built-in support network of Lonely Hearts Club is invaluable – especially when you’re struggling. As Katie says, “Better to text the community than our ex, right?!”