SEX FILES: Swiping for BFFS: Can dating apps cure the loneliness epidemic

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Nothing is quite as lonely as having the ability to connect with nearly anyone in the palm of your hand and still feeling isolated and alone – yet, this is a reality for so many of us.

We’re in the midst of what experts are calling a loneliness epidemic. According to The American Psychiatric Association (APA), 30% of adults have experienced feelings of loneliness at least once a week over the past year.

So, where are people turning to for human connection? Dating apps and AI, it turns out. Dating app, Flirtini surveyed its members and found that along with the 1 in 10 adults who use dating apps to meet new friends, a whopping 52% of adults have spent time chatting with AI to combat loneliness.

“Dating apps are called ‘dating’ for a reason, but much like in real life, you can also form meaningful connections that blossom into friendships. In fact, many adults turn to dating apps with exactly that intention,” says Anastasiya Pochotna, Flirtini’s in-house dating and relationship expert.

As an immigrant who works from home, Pochotna found it difficult to meet new people. Using dating apps to make friends worked for her. “In fact, one of the people I met through a dating app ended up becoming one of my closest friends and even served as the best man at my wedding,” she confesses.

While it’s nice to think that wholesome friendships can come from dating apps – an environment where shirtless selfies and 65-year-old men pretending to be 42 also live – my initial thought is that using dating apps specifically to find friends is a recipe for disaster (and don’t even get me started on the implications of befriending AI).

Unless the app is specifically for meeting platonic friends, like Bumble BFF, I prefer to separate church and state – or in this case, my dating life and my friendships. I use dating apps to find people to date. When I see someone “just looking for friends,” alarm bells go off and I assume they’re being disingenuous.

If you use dating apps to make friends, transparency is key. Pochotna says, “Most dating apps let you specify what you’re looking for when you sign up, and you can also add that information to your profile.” Also, use these features ethically. “Just make sure not to use a “looking for friends” profile as a pretext to seek romantic or sexual connections — it will only lead to frustrated and disappointed interactions,” she says.

In my experience, dating apps are frustrating enough without adding friend-seeking into the mix. Also, my gut tells me that the solution to our collective loneliness won’t be found by more time staring at our phones.

If you’re struggling to make friends as an adult, here’s five tried and tested ways to find friendship and community without using dating apps or AI as your wing person.

1. Ask to be set up.

When I first moved to the city, I asked friends whether they knew any other single women I could be introduced to. It might feel weird asking to be set up on “friend dates” but it’s well worth it. I met some fantastic women who (surprise, surprise) also were looking to meet new like-minded friends.

2. Join a gym or running club.  

Find a gym or fitness studio that involves a certain level of interaction. For example, small group fitness classes, a yoga studio that offers community events, or a running, walking, or hiking club. And don’t be afraid to wear a wetsuit – my friend met an amazing community when she joined a cold water swimming club.

3. Find a local sports bar – or similar.   

Sports bars tend to be quite interactive and you’re bound to meet someone who loves your favorite team. If you’re like me and your definition of “sports” is binge-ing a full season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, look for bars in your area that offer weekly viewing parties or quiz nights.

4. Join an online community.

Although the point is ultimately to spend less time on your phone, don’t discount Facebook groups and Discord channels. For example, my favourite podcast has a Facebook group that regularly hosts meet-ups around the world.

5. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.  

Admitting to yourself and others that you’re lonely requires a level of vulnerability that can feel uncomfortable at first. The trick is feeling the discomfort and doing it anyway.

Whether you’re looking for love or your new best friend, this starts by putting down your phone – even temporarily – to see what else the world has to offer.