SEX FILES: Taking off the rose-coloured glasses

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When I became single in my early 30s and began dating, I rarely didn’t have a drink in my hand. Going on a date meant imbibing and often quite heavily. Nearly anyone can be tolerable after a couple of glasses of Merlot, and I made some very questionable dating choices during this era of my life.

Eventually, I got tired of regretting my decisions and made some lifestyle changes. I now only drink occasionally, and the majority of the dates I’ve gone on in the past few years have involved little to no alcohol. Being mostly sober allows me to tune into my intuition better. As a result, the connections I am making feel more aligned with my needs and values.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Dating app Flirtini, recently surveyed 2,000 people and found that 65% of modern daters use alcohol to calm their nerves and boost confidence while on a date. However, data from Bumble also shows that the “sober curious” movement — a lifestyle that encourages people to be mindful of their alcohol consumption — has been on the rise since the COVID-19 pandemic. As a result, daters are reaping the benefits in the process, including a greater sense of confidence, clarity, and control over their romantic decisions.

“When alcohol is taken out of the picture, people often feel more present and authentic. Many individuals share that they have more meaningful conversations, as their senses aren’t dulled by alcohol,” says Joseph Cavins, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical director at Southern California Sunrise Recovery Center. For this reason, he believes that sober dating opens the door to genuine vulnerability and connection.

We like to think of alcohol as a social lubricant, but Cavins says it can mask real feelings and intentions. “In contrast, sober dating allows people to explore their compatibility and emotional connection in a clear-headed and present way. By being fully aware, daters often report feeling more comfortable and empowered to share their true selves, which can lead to stronger, more authentic bonds,” shares Cavin.

There’s also the added factor that communicating while sober is just easier. “Without alcohol, you are less likely to experience blurred judgment or misunderstandings, which can make conversations feel more meaningful,” says Michelle King Rayfield, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Ocean Recovery. She adds, “Many people find that alcohol-free dating allows for more precise, honest communication, which helps build trust and emotional closeness.”

Forgoing alcohol early in the dating process also helps daters get a better sense of who their date is and react accordingly. In other words, without rose-coloured glasses clouding your intuition, red flags become much easier to spot. “You can pick up on subtle cues and get a true sense of how you feel about someone. This can help you decide whether the connection is worth pursuing,” says King Reyfield.

But what about those first-date jitters? There’s a common misconception that alcohol alleviates anxiety when the opposite is often true. “From a mental health perspective, alcohol can sometimes worsen anxiety, especially the day after drinking, so avoiding it can help reduce those anxious feelings and leave you feeling more grounded,” says King Rayfield.

With that said, it’s natural to be anxious before a date (there’s a reason why alcohol is known as “liquid courage.”) Both Cavins and King Rayfield agree that doing some deep breathing or another grounding technique before the date can be helpful. “You could also plan an active date, like taking a walk or doing something engaging like mini-golf or visiting a museum. That way, the focus is not solely on talking, which can ease some of the pressure,” says King Rayfield.

It may also be helpful to practise how you’re going to talk about alcohol with your date. Cavins suggests, “When it comes to bringing up sobriety, my advice would be to approach it with honesty and simplicity. You don’t need to make a big announcement; just casually mention that you’re choosing not to drink.” If they react negatively or get defensive, that tells you everything you need to know about them (thank you, next!)

Lastly, keep in mind that your sober or “sober-curious” dating journey is about self-care and honouring your boundaries. How your date reacts to your decision not to drink has nothing to do with you. Instead, King Reyfield says, “Stay confident in your choice; remember that the right person will respect and appreciate your lifestyle.”