SEX FILES: Want a date? File your taxes early

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I’ll never forget the day that my ex-partner came to me with an overflowing cardboard box of receipts and a confession. He was self-employed and hadn’t filed his taxes in four years. After some frantic discussions (how could he let this happen?) and a call to an accountant, the crisis was under control. My partner filed his taxes and even got a small refund.

Whether we acknowledge it or not, managing our finances often parallels our modus operandi in other areas of our lives, including our relationships. For example, my ex-partner was a lovely person, but his approach to his taxes reflected his approach to our relationship. Relationship issues didn’t become issues until they reached a fever pitch and had to be dealt with immediately.

More concerning was a man that I briefly dated after my ex-partner. Despite being a high earner, he didn’t like talking about money and spent everything he made, never thinking of saving any to pay his taxes at the end of the year. He had a similar cavalier approach to dating. He’d avoid talking about the future of the relationship, skirted responsibility, and was always looking for ways to push my boundaries. In love and taxes, his pleasure came first, and the rules never applied to him.

Therefore, it should come as no surprise that a recent survey from the dating app Hily found that filing your taxes on time makes you more desirable. Half those surveyed believe individuals filing their taxes before the deadline are more responsible partners.

That’s all to say: if you want to learn about the person you’re dating, ask them about their taxes. Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, LMFT, a relationship expert at Hily, said in a recent email that how a person does their taxes says a lot about what they will be like as a partner.

1. Their Approach to Planning

If the person you’re dating files their taxes well before the deadline, it suggests they are advanced planners who value organization and enjoy checking items off their to-do lists. According to Cohen, “Doing so likely gives them a sense of accomplishment.”

Conversely, Cohen notes, “People who leave things to the last minute may weigh the differing deadlines and importance of tasks before tackling them, indicating great skill when it comes to flexibility and project management.”

2. Their Time Management Ability

I’ve long been ashamed of how I do my taxes. While I always think ahead and keep detailed records so I can file my taxes on time, my ADHD brain thrives under pressure. I procrastinate until the last minute and then do my taxes in one madcap dash toward the finish line. Cohen says this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

People who file early and those who file at the last minute can each be excellent when managing their time. “Some people may space out their filing and do a little over time, whereas others may want to take care of the whole task in one sitting. It likely indicates how the person tackles most tasks in their life,” says Cohen.

3. Their Coping Skills

Even if you’re prepared, taxes can be stressful. “People who are planners, and likely those who file early, may do so to avoid the anxiety of coming close to a deadline. Their way of coping with this stress may be to plan everything out in advance,” says Cohen.

How this may show up in relationships is that the person may address issues as they come up (instead of letting them fester to the point of crisis) to reduce anxiety. The negative side of this is that they might overly plan and fret to the point where it creates anxiety within the relationship.

On the other hand, Cohen says, “Those who wait may also be employing a coping skill, which is adjusting to the present and pressing demands.” They may seem calmer and more collected, choosing to address relationship issues later. However, this can create anxiety for the partner, who is more of a planner.

Unless the person you’re dating refuses to file taxes or is on the run from the law, there are no right and wrong answers. “There are strengths and weaknesses to both approaches to filing taxes (early or last-minute). Having an opposite style doesn’t mean you are incompatible with your date,” says Cohen. “It simply means that if you are proceeding with a relationship, it is best to open up a conversation to share how the other person’s style is impacting you.”

Cohen reminds people to approach this conversation “with curiosity rather than judgment so that both people feel respected and heard.” The compatibility test isn’t about when they file your taxes but whether you can openly and honestly discuss them.