SEX FILES: Why contempt -- not cheating or money -- is the real relationship killer

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In my last relationship, my partner had a rage-inducing bedtime habit that taxed my patience nightly. During sleepovers, we’d wind down on the sofa, watching Netflix or listening to music, and without fail, he’d fall asleep in front of the TV — out cold.

Usually, this wouldn’t be an issue, but everything in his home, from the lights to the stereo, was controlled through his password-protected phone. Every night, I had to wake him up and ask him to turn everything off so I could sleep in our bed. His response was always the same: “I’ll do it in a minute,” before promptly dozing off again. My options? Try to sleep with the lights and music blaring, or wait a few hours for him to wake up and handle it himself.

As someone who struggles with bedtime anxiety, I repeatedly told him how much this stressed me out, but nothing ever changed. I knew something in our relationship had shifted when, after yet another “I’ll do it in a minute,” I rolled my eyes and shot back, “Yeah, right!”

Recently, I stumbled across a video by Jeff Guenther (known as @therapyjeff on Instagram), who named the mix of rage and resentment I’d experienced – and why it led to the demise of our relationship. Guenther, who has more than 20 years of experience as a couples therapist, says the No. 1 reason couples split up isn’t money or cheating – it’s contempt.

“Contempt is when you treat your partner like they’re beneath you,” he explains. According to the Gottman Institute, it’s the top predictor of breakups and divorce. It can include eye-rolling, mocking, sarcasm, and comments like “Yeah, right!” when your partner says they’ll do something. Guenther shares, “It’s not just mean, it’s mean with a sprinkle of superiority.”

Holly J. Moore, a divorce lawyer at Moore Family Law Group, says contempt often makes one partner feel like they’re walking on eggshells. It also shows up in how people talk about their partners: “If you say things like, ‘Oh, he’s useless when it comes to planning,’ or ‘She always overreacts,’ you’re expressing contempt,” says Moore.

If you’re thinking, “I sometimes roll my eyes at my partner. What’s the big deal?” The problem with contempt is that it’s insidious. “Contempt is basically like a slow-acting poison in a relationship. Unlike frustration or even resentment, which can be situational and sometimes even temporary, contempt is a deeper, more corrosive type of emotion,” says Moore.

Once contempt seeps in, it’s destructive. Ciara Bogdanovic, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says it erodes empathy between partners. “Contempt blocks problem-solving. It drives disconnection. It ultimately breaks down the foundations of a relationship, which is why it is the strongest predictor of divorce,” says Bogdanovic.

Guenther suggests in his video that couples build a culture of appreciation to prevent contempt from flourishing. “Say ‘thank you.’ Notice the good stuff. Say, ‘I love how you handled that,’ and turn towards your partner’s tiny bids for attention. Even if it’s just looking at a meme,” he says.

If contempt is present, you can work together to repair the damage. Guenther says this involves “rebuilding the emotional bank account” by adding more positive interactions, kindness, and curiosity into the relationship.

Bogdanovic encourages people to remember why they fell in love with their partner in the first place. She suggests, “Make an active effort to see your partner’s perspective. Give compliments. Tell your partner things that you like about them.” Resist the urge to judge and instead practice empathy whenever possible.

However, these actions are often easier said than done for couples with an entrenched pattern of contempt in their relationship. Once in contempt mode, we’re often too close to the problem. Seeking professional help from a couple’s therapist can open up the lines of communication and lead to constructive solutions.

At the end of the day, how you and your partner speak to and about each other matters. Moore suggests, “Ask yourself: Am I speaking to my partner in a way that I would want to be spoken to? If the answer is no, that’s a sign to pause and reframe.”