SEX FILES: Why cooking together might be the ultimate relationship hack

Article content

Nothing sparks a passive-aggressive standoff for many couples faster than the nightly “What’s for dinner?” debate. You’re in good company if you’ve ever scrolled social media on the couch while secretly hoping your partner starts dinner first. Even actress Sarah Michelle Gellar – forever immortalized as Buffy the Vampire Slayer – confesses she’s not exactly Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen.

Gellar recently hosted a live cooking class with the MyFitnessPal app – which I attended – where she chopped veggies, promoted the app’s new meal planning tool, and dished on domestic life with Freddie Prinze Jr. After 22 years of marriage, cooking together has become one of their secret weapons for keeping the spark alive. “In my house, my husband is the chef. I am the cook,” she joked, working her way through one of her favorite weeknight recipes. In a world where many celebrity romances rarely last longer than a quart of milk, cooking together as a couple, paired with a healthy amount of garlic, compromise, and a shared hatred of induction stoves might be the recipe for a lasting relationship.

“Cooking together might seem like a simple domestic activity, but it can be a really powerful tool for strengthening relationships,” says Dr Charles Sweet, MD, MPH, a board-certified psychiatrist and medical advisor at Linear Health. Over email, Sweet explained that when couples cook together, they engage in what’s known as “shared intentionality,” which essentially means you’re working towards a common goal. “Even if it’s just chopping vegetables or plating some homemade pasta, these coordinated efforts build a sense of togetherness (“we-ness”) that’s linked to emotional closeness and long-term relationship satisfaction,” says Sweet.

Data supports this. In the early 2000s, researchers from the University of Utah found that couples who shared some household tasks were happier in their relationships than those who divided up chores. Working towards a common goal forces you to engage with each other.

Cooking can get messy – literally and figuratively. Making a meal together requires communicating, managing roles, and problem-solving when the unexpected happens. Sweet says, “These moments are perfect for strengthening conflict resolution skills, building mutual respect, and practicing emotional regulation – all of which are important elements in building a healthy relationship.”

The skills couples hone while cooking together don’t just stay in the kitchen – they’re surprisingly transferable to other key areas of a relationship, like managing finances. When I’m not watching celebrity cooking demos, I’m deep into Financial Audit. In this YouTube series, everyday people pull back the curtain on their finances for host Caleb Hammer, who serves up the tough love Chef Ramsay would be proud of. A recurring theme is that couples who don’t cook together often communicate poorly. They’re also in mountains of debt because their only source of sustenance comes from DoorDash and jaunts to the drive-through.

Whether making a gourmet meal from scratch or warming up a frozen lasagna, cooking together is a win-win. Not only does it provide a space for you to connect as a couple, but it also saves money. Plus, it’s sexy.

When couples cook together, there’s sensory stimulation, physical closeness, and shared anticipation of an experience (a tasty meal). Sweet explains that this activates pleasure pathways in our brain. “Flirty banter over how to cut a vegetable doesn’t sound very appealing on paper, but it can build anticipation, laughter, and trust, which are all really important for intimacy,” he says.

For some, cooking together can even be a form of foreplay. Dr Trina Read is a Calgary-based sexologist who has spent the last 25 years helping women in long-term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage. She says that couples don’t necessarily need more sex. “What couples need is to create ‘erotic threads,’ a simmering of anticipation between sexual encounters to be more sexually satisfied.” Doing an activity together — like cooking — can help couples create this kind of sexual connection.

Sweet encourages them to start small with a simple recipe and divide tasks based on their comfort levels, especially if they aren’t used to cooking with their partner. Don’t overthink it.

As Gellar reminded us during her cooking demonstration, “Cooking doesn’t have to be a precious activity.”

You don’t need to be experts, just enthusiastic collaborators. The point isn’t to become the next Top Chefs, it’s to show up for each other – and hopefully enjoy some good food.