SEX FILES: Why 'one last trip' is rarely the answer

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I should have known the relationship was over when my boyfriend started complaining about the hotel sheets before we’d even unpacked.

We’d just arrived in paradise, but instead of enjoying the crystalline hotel pool and palm-lined views, he was complaining about the limp bed linens, cold coffee at breakfast, and the “dumpy” streets surrounding our hotel. This trip was supposed to be a romantic getaway, but it felt more like we’d already broken up and he forgot to tell me.

Weeks later, when we split, he admitted he’d been questioning the relationship before the trip but went through with it anyway since it was paid for, hoping his feelings might change (spoiler: they didn’t). He also knew how much this destination meant to me and didn’t want to ruin it in advance. I appreciate the gesture, but the good memories from the trip now feel bittersweet because I know he’d already emotionally checked out.

Turns out, my ex’s behaviour is more common than you may think. Casinos Analyzer recently surveyed 1,500 adults about their travel experiences and found that 1 in 3 people confess they’ve stayed in failing relationships just to take a vacation they’d already planned. While the romantic connection with my ex was already dead in the water before I even boarded the plane, with no hope of saving it, nearly half (43%) of those surveyed admit they’ve booked a trip hoping it would fix their relationship.

According to experts, there’s a reason people think travel is the answer to their relationship issues. Ciara Bogdanovic, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says, “We often look to big, dramatic shifts such as a trip to create change in our relationships.” Pressing “confirm” on a vacation has the illusion of a fresh start.

“A vacation is especially alluring because it offers an escape from daily stressors and reality. In that different world, it can feel like you are living in a fantasy version of your relationship,” she says.

While this fantasy can feel amazing in the moment and even remind couples why they got together in the first place, taking a trip together doesn’t address the core issues plaguing the relationship. For this reason, Jaime Bronstein, LCSW, a relationship therapist with over two decades of experience, says these “getaway cures” tend to backfire. “Vacations aren’t therapy, and treating them like a solution to your problems is one of the biggest mistakes couples make,” she shares in an email. “I’ve seen so many couples go all in on a trip, thinking it’ll reignite the spark or mend what’s broken.”

However, when the real issues come home with you, Bronstein says this can often make people feel even more disappointed and resentful than when they left. That’s because travel has a way of amplifying things that are already flawed in the relationship – in my case, my ex’s propensity for negativity and my growing discomfort with it. Bronstein says this experience is common. “Core problems like poor communication, resentment, or trouble compromising often resurface on vacation. Constant togetherness, logistical challenges, and unmet romanticized expectations can make these issues feel more intense.”

Plus, if you’re already struggling to work as an effective team, a change of location isn’t going to fix this. Instead, adding the decision-making and financial stress of travel, along with the constant togetherness, will only make things more challenging.

That isn’t to say that taking a vacation together when you’re struggling as a couple is always a bad idea. Balancing busy careers with parenting, family responsibilities, and the rising cost of living can all add stress and negatively impact our mental health. “Our daily lives do not leave time or the energy to do the work to maintain our relationships,” says Arkadiy Volkov, RP, a psychotherapist and clinical director of Toronto’s Feel Your Way Therapy.

If you’re feeling disconnected from each other, getting away so you can spend quality time together without having to deal with daily stressors can add some fresh energy back into the relationship. However, Volkov says this strategy only works if couples are willing to do the work. Before booking a trip, he encourages couples to have open, honest conversations about what they’re struggling with and set intentions for what they’re hoping to achieve by going away together.

That said, it’s also important that couples set realistic expectations for the trip. While a getaway gives couples much-needed rest and a change of scenery, it’s not a stand-in for therapy, and “it will not magically fix deep issues,” says Bogdanovic.

Going away together and experiencing a new place – complete with sunshine, delicious food, and high-thread-count sheets — is lovely. It can provide a nervous system reset that positively impacts how we show up for our partner, but it’s not a magic bullet. As Bogdanovic reminds us, “The more boring truth is that lasting improvement comes from small, consistent adjustments over time.”