SEX FILES: Why yap-trapping will leave you feeling invisible

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Years ago, I went on a few dates with a man who treated conversation like a solo performance. On our final date, he launched into a tirade about office politics as soon as we sat down. I nodded politely, stealing glances at my watch, as the minutes dragged on. Forty-five minutes passed before he finally paused and asked, “So, how are you?” 

This wasn’t an isolated incident. Far too often, I’ve dated men who talked at me, not to me. It’s a lonely experience (why ask me out if you’re not curious about me?) – not to mention boring. It’s also one of my biggest turnoffs. In the ever-evolving dating lexicon, there’s a word for this kind of behaviour: Yap-trapping. 

Yap-trapping happens when one person dominates the conversation on a date, talking primarily about themselves with little interest in the other person. Sometimes, yap-trapping can take a manipulative turn, with the yapper controlling the conversation to steer it in a self-serving direction. However, even if the person doesn’t have ill intentions, being in the audience while another person spews verbal diarrhea isn’t conducive to forming a connection with your date. So, what gives? 

According to Cheryl Groskopf, a marriage and family therapist and professional clinical counsellor, yap-trapping often stems from anxiety. She says, “Talking a lot can be a form of self-soothing. When someone dominates a conversation, it might be their brain trying to control it. They don’t have to sit in silence, read cues, or risk rejection if they keep talking.” She adds that it’s not always arrogance; “sometimes it’s emotional survival.” 

Other times, the person lacks self-awareness. “Some people aren’t attuned to how their words land. They’ve learned that performing or proving themselves gets attention, especially if they grew up needing to earn connection,” says Groskopf. 

However, in some cases, yap-trapping can be a form of manipulation. Groskopf is careful to point out that it’s “not necessarily in a calculated or malicious way, but in a ‘let me impress you first, so you’ll want to stay’ kind of way. It’s a strategy to gain approval, not to build a connection,” she says. While it may initially appear that the yapper is full of themselves, Groskopf adds, “That kind of over-talking is often driven by fear — fear of not being enough, of not being chosen, rather than genuine confidence.” 

That said, it’s normal to ramble when you’re nervous. “But when it turns into chronic monologuing with no curiosity about you, that’s a flag,” says Groskopf. She encourages people to be mindful of other red flags. For example, if your date or partner ignores your body language, doesn’t ask any questions, and steers the conversation back to themselves whenever you try to pivot. Another sign that something is off is if you’re left feeling invisible and exhausted by interactions with this person, even if they said, “I had such a great time!” 

Are you unsure whether your date is a bona fide yap-trapper or a harmless ball of nerves? Matchmaker and dating coach, Jaydi Samuels Kuba, has tips and tricks she offers clients to help distinguish between the two. “In the case of an oversharer, I recommend playfully pointing out their behaviour. “You’ve got a really interesting life, but aren’t you also curious about mine?” 

Most “yap trappers don’t even realize they’re doing it, and are grateful to have it pointed out to them,” says Kuba. If they’re hoping for a second date with you, she says a gentle redirect is like handing them the playbook. 

Regarding redirection, Groskopf says, “If they’re emotionally aware, they’ll adjust. If they ignore it or double down? That’s your signal.” Their behaviour tells you everything you need to know. 

While yap-trapping may seem annoying yet innocuous, at least at the beginning of a relationship, it has emotional consequences. “It can touch deeper wounds, especially for people who grew up feeling invisible or having to hold space for everyone else. Being yap-trapped in dating can reinforce the belief that you don’t get to take up space,” says Groskopf. 

While addressing the other person’s behaviour in real time might feel awkward or rude, you’re protecting your time and energy. As Groskopf reminds us, “If someone’s not interested in you, they’re not dating you. They’re using you as an audience. And that’s not a connection. That’s performance.”