DEAR ABBY: Family members aren't impressed by brother's fiancee

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DEAR ABBY: My brother just got engaged to the “WOAT” (Worst of All Time). They have been dating for 2 1/2 years, and nobody in the family has anything good to say about her. In the past, he always had stable relationships with girls we really enjoyed. But now he’s getting older, his friends are getting engaged and it seems like he’s settling and feeling pressure. They are always arguing, and things he never did before he is doing now — multiple job changes, making less time for family, etc.

Everyone thinks that, as the oldest brother, I should be the one to voice our concerns about her. Would it be too drastic to tell him it’s a bad idea? I was going to say I support him if he can find three redeeming qualities in her because none of us can find one. — NO FAN OF HER IN THE EAST

DEAR NO FAN: I do not think telling your recently engaged brother that his fiancee is the “worst of all time” and no one in the family can find any redeeming qualities in her would be welcomed. I do think, however, that as the oldest sibling you could point out that you are concerned because he and this woman argue a lot, which is why you are suggesting they seek premarital counselling to head off any problems down the line. Then cross your fingers that he follows through.

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DEAR ABBY: Even though we live just an hour away and would like to celebrate holidays with my elderly parents, they prefer to spend them with their friends. This started when my family lived 14 hours away. We’d come home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas each year. If we weren’t home, my parents got together with a group of childless buddies. This worked out great — they weren’t alone, and I didn’t feel guilty.

We moved back home three years ago, primarily to be near family again. However, my parents spend all the major holidays with their buddies, even if my family is home alone. Then my mom asks me to host an alternate holiday so the family can get together. Last year, I tried to talk it through with her. I said it was hurtful that she chose to spend holidays with her friends and asked her to consider family plans first. But she was soon up to her old tricks. I’m 53, but I still want my mom and dad. What should I do? — NEEDY IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR NEEDY: Because “talking it through” with your mother hasn’t worked, it’s time for you to start making other plans for the major holidays. You are only as home alone as you want to be. You and your husband could travel or join a local group and do some volunteering for those less fortunate than you in your community. It’s time to take a page out of your mother’s playbook and do what she did, which is to declare some independence from her.

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.